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Funnies / Grappies op 'n stokkie

One thing our rainbow nation has in common, is the extraordinary ability to laugh at ourselves no matter what the situation. It is through laughter and humor that South Africans have managed to survive great tragedies and hardships in order to deal with the sometimes unfathomable and bizarre events that come our way. Comedy and satire is as much part of the SA social fabric as Table Mountain and Mielie Meel. Some of these jokes, you may find offensive - but nonetheless they have been submitted by South Africans from all over the world and together we can laugh, cry and share our very special SA sense of humor that only a SA'can, can understand. Hope these help to make the verlange a little easier!

Huis in  Christiana, TVL - weet nie wat die dorp se naam nou is nie!!
Arme man!
Submitted by Ian Stewart, Knysna, SA

Die Mielies.......


New official Suth Effrican lungwich

Officials of the New South African government have come to realise that the current status of having 11 official languages in them New South Africa is impractical. A new language was thus introduced. This is the English as it is now spoken on television and radio. The recently published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines these new weds.
Here are some extracts and examples of their usage in the official New Suth Effrican lungwich:

Bad - you sleep on it in the badroom
Beds - mossies, doves, sea-gulls etc
Beg - container, as in shopping beg, hend-beg, tog-beg
Ben - to set alight
Chealdren - our future is in their hands
Chetz - where worshippers go on Sundays
Cuds - you can play poker or rummy with them
Cut - a small donkey-drawn vehicle
Debben - city in KwaZulu Natal
Deekshunry - where you find weds
Detty - opposite of clean
Driva - holds the steering wheel of a teksi
Duck - very duck at night when the lights are all off
Ebben - you get ebben erriors and rural erriors
Effrican - from the continent of Africa
Erriors - districts, e.g. ebben erriors
Ewways - eg. SAA, Comair, Lufthansa etc
Fems - companies, e.g., Anglo-American
Fest - the one before second and third
Fok - used with nifes
Fum - you can fum with ship or kettle
Fumma - he owns the fum
Guddin - where you grow kebbijees
Geave - you MUST geave, I WILL take
Get - a hinged device in a fence
Hut - it beats in your chest
Hair - as opposed to heem
Heppi - state of elatement, e.g. I'm so heppi - I just voted
Hiss - masculine form of hairs
Hubba - where sheeps dock
Jems - little bugs that give you the flu
Kah - what you drive around in
Kebbijees - vegetable
Keptown - some think parliament doesn't belong there
Kettegry - in a system of classification
Kipper - one who kips, as in goal kipper
Kleenix - where nesses wek
Kot - where the judges sit
Len - to acquire knowledge
Leeda - as in Arwa Leeda, Zuma the president
Lungwich - weds what are spokkin
Mammary - weh your pust thoughts are
Measels - guided bombs
Nesses - they wek in kleenix and hospitals
Pee pull - powa to da pee pull
Peppa - one way to get the news
Pesson - one of pee pull
Pees - symbolised by white dove
& nbsp; Pees-Tox - between IRA and Tony Blair
Reeva - e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange
Regime - anything to describe pre-1994
Ree kwest - replaced by dee mands
Sheep - big boat
Shex - houses in squatter camps
Ship - provider of wool
Shuck-attak - if the shuck-net is brokkin
Shuck-nets - at Debben, for safety of sweemas
Spitch - what politicians make at a relly
Sweemas - compete in a sweeming pul
Teksi - kah for hire - sometimes parrot teksi
Thest - ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day
Tipic ally - characteristically
Tocks - negotiations
Ummy - military force
Wee men - ladies
We pon - a gun
Wean-dow - with glus for throwing bricks through
Weaner - the one with the most votes
Weds - what the dictionary is made up of
Wekkas - do the wek
Weld - the whole eth
Wems - small crawly creatures
Nouw git bek to wok - Humba-Humba!!!


New! Casper de Vries se Harrie Pot(ter)gieter spoof! Hysteries!

Best SA Joke site ever!


Van was on a lekker holiday in Durbs. One day he heard from his friends that  there was a fancy dress ball, and he could go. The dress theme was to  symbolize a country.

Unsure what to do, he hid in a bush outside the hall and watched what was going on. A woman arrived scantily dressed in a few feathers. When the doorman asked what country she was she said "Turkey", so he said, "Feathers, Turkey, OK you can go in". Another beautiful and shapely woman arrived clad only in a "G" string, her body smeared with oil. She said she was Iran.
"Oil, Iran." OK go in. So then Van sauntered up to the door naked except for a brown paper packet placed over his manhood and said he was from Pakistan.
The doorman could not understand and asked Van to explain:

"Bring daardie twee meisies uit, dan sal jy sien hoe hierdie pakkie staan!!!"

Submitted by Nick Ennis, Stockholm, Sweden


Ad for a Sangoma's Services found in the Durban Papers!

Mike Nicker sings the blues about Eskom!

Eskom Song 

With apologies to the Plain White T's hit song "Hey There Delilah!"
If it wasn't so bittersweet,  it would be brilliant!

Submitted by Craig Field, Charlotte, NC




The Ventersdorp IT Dictionary...sent in by Nick Ennis, in Stockholm Sweden.

Log On - Make the braai hotter
Log Off - The braai is too hot
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up. 

"Gamat" - ingestuur deur Minette Behrens, Charlotte, NC

Gamat sit op die pavement en bepeins sy lot. Hy't sy werk verloor, sy vrou het die kinders gevat en hom geskei.
Hy sien 'n kas met wynbottels en loop soentoe. Hy vat 'n lee bottel, smyt dit teen die muur en skel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n vrou hettie!"
Hy vat 'n tweede bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie kinners hettie!"
Derde bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n job hettie!"
Hy vat die vierde bottel en sien dis nog nie oopgemaak nie - vol wyn.
Hy sit die bottel neer en sê: "Staan djy eenkant toe, my broe. Ek sien djy wassie involved nie"  



survivor cape flats


10 ways to know you're from Charlotte

• You can take the "back way" to SouthPark from uptown (or Ballantyne).

• You know several people who have hit a deer.

• Your patio doors have been hit by a deer.

• You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

• You tell a co-worker from New York, "Stop me if I'm speaking too slow."

• You've eaten at all of these restaurants: Waffle House, Dairy Queen, Krispy Kreme and Benny's Deli.

• You change lanes without using the turn signal.

• You know which part of Buffalo your neighbors are from as soon as they open their mouths.

• Red means stop, green means go, and yellow means floor it.

• You know four seasons: Almost Humid, Humid, Still Humid and Christmas.

From the Charlotte Observer's Living Here publication



35 Reasons you haven't lived in Southern Mecklenburg until you've.....

  1. Had a near colission in the Arboretum maze of parking lots
  2. Seen deer jump across Rea Road near piper Glen and elsewhere in S Meck
  3. Played with the touch screen kiosks at Ballantyne Village
  4. Learned that the shortcut between Ballantyne and Pineville is Lancaster Highway 521
  5. Included Calvary Church on your road tour for out of town visitors
  6. Bought Fresh Produce at the Matthews Farmers Market
  7. Driven across the state line in SC to buy cheap gas and liquor
  8. Avoided Chik-fil-A on school benefit nights - even if its for your kids school!
  9. Realized that more people in your neighborhood are from somewhere else than from NC
  10. Wondered how much the big monuments at Ballantyne cost
  11. Sat in Carowinds Boulevard traffic for so long your wet swimsuit dried
  12. Waited for the geese to cross the road
  13. Wrenched your neck to see the traffic status on the 485 from the Rae Rd bridge
  14. Mastered the art of drag racing where Providence Rd narrows to one lane at the 485
  15. Driven past a golf course and seen someone you know playing hooky on a workday
  16. Enjoyed a children's story at the public library
  17. Seen the Ballantyne Commons East fountain overflow with bubbles
  18. Been to Matthews Alive! and Mint Hill Madness festivals
  19. Worn your pajamas to Dunkin Donuts on a weekend morning
  20. Had to really think which Harris Teeter is closest - because there are four within 2 miles!
  21. Been meaning to check out downtown Waxhaw but never quite gotten there yet
  22. Eaten a piece of pound cake from Jimmy's Sweets in Matthews
  23. Tried Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's
  24. Been to a Ballantyne Breakfast Club meeting
  25. Seen the baby chicks at Renfrow's Hardware in Matthews in the Spring
  26. Received postcard invitations to worship in churches that meet in school gym's
  27. Had  a "Flying Biscuit"
  28. Wondered why there aren't more hotels along the 485
  29. Veered widely to avoid walkers and cyclists on the road
  30. Balanced your check book while in the Starbucks drive thru at either Ballantyne or Highway 51
  31. Watched dad's with Bluetooth headsets at the ball park
  32. Given up on seeing a movie at Stonecrest beacuse you couldn't find a parking space!
  33. Struggled to find a post office
  34. Got lost in the Providence Plantation neigborhood
  35. Sat forever at the Trade and John street intersection in Matthews

From the Charlotte Observer's Neighbors of S Mecklenburg section 



Men and taking messages



Kareedouw signs

Kareedouw signs



Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the webmaster.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca
is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh
forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Ernie Els Blooper! Click below.....
Ernie Els says a bad word on camera!

Green Power!


SA's latest design for the 2010 World Cup soccer event
Nothing quite like making do with what you have!


 Want a belly laugh?

Click here to watch the funniest ads in the world! Hysterical!

Found by Di Stewart, Charlotte, NC


 Submitted by Ella Rabe, Charlotte NC

Three jokes uit die Kaap……

 The fruit seller walks up to the car and says:

“Peske, Peske. Lekke peskes. Net vyf rand virrie laanie."

The guy in the car says: "Is hulle soet?"

The fruit seller says: "Dja menee, kyk hoe stil sit hulle!!"


Three guys selling snoek on the corner shouts:

"Hiers djou snoek"

The guy in the car says:

"Wat vra julle vir daai snoek?"

One guy replies:

"Ons vra hulle niks. Wil djy hulle iets vra?"


Gatiep & Maraai steel 'n snoek, en sien toe 'n Polisie man

Gatiep sê: „Sit die snoek onder djou rok!“

Maraai sê: " Dit gaan stink Gatiep!"

Gatiep sê vir Maraai: " Drukkie snoek se nies toe, man!"

Many Names are changing in South Africa.......

Cities have new names, provinces changed their names and maybe even the country may change its name soon! From 01 January 2007, the following changes will be made to all Fairy Tales in South Africa as follows:

1. Snow White  - Coal Black
2. Goldilocks  -  Dreadlocks
3. Hansel & Gretel  -  Sipho & Thandi
4. Jack & the Beanstalk  -  Zuma & The Dagga Plant
5. Liewe Heksie  -  Lovely Felicia  
6. Red Riding Hood  -  Riding in the Hood
7.  The Big Bad Wolf  -  e Tokeloshi
8.  The Three Little Pigs  -  Goodness, Gift & Precious
9.  Barbie  -  Modjadji
10. The Little Mermaid  -  The Little Maid
11. The Smurfs  -  The Freedom Fighters
12.  Alice in Wonderland  -  Busi in Gauteng

13.  Cinderella - Cinderfikile
14.  The Emperor’s New Clothes – Mbeki goes Gucci
15.  The Princess and the Pea – Manto and the African Potato 


Bababeer sit in sy klein stoeltjie by die tafel, en kyk na sy klein papbordjie.
"Wie't my pappies geëet?" vra hy.
Pappabeer kyk na sy groot papbord.
"Wie de duiwel het my pap geëeet?" vra hy.

Mammabeer se kop verskyn om die kombuisdeur.


Best of.......Fridge Magnets

Miss Mona Lisa.......

Miss Timotei.....

Best Google ad....

Best T-Shirt Design....

And the Queen of Blondes......

Overheard at the SA Braai from Dean van Wyk of Charlotte, NC
while trying to explain to a NC Native what Marmite & Bovril are.......

"Bees make honey, Flies make Marmite & Bovril!"


Submitted by the 'Queen of Grappies', Minette Behrens of Charlotte, NC

Vanoggend terwyl ek op die snelweg ry, kyk ek oor my skouer en sien n vrou hier langs my
in 'n splinternuwe Polo,  met haar gesig tot teenaan die tru-spieëltjie gedruk, besig om
maskara aan te sit.  Kan jy dit glo?  Ek het net vir n paar sekondes weggekyk, maar toe
ek my weer kon kry, is sy halfpad oor in my baan, nog steeds besig met haar bleddie maskara.

Nou kyk, as 'n man skrik ek nie maklik nie.  Maar die vroumens het my so die horries
gegee dat ek skoon my elektriese skeermes laat val,  wat op sy beurt die
steak-en-kidney pastei uit my ander hand gestamp.  In die hele deurmekaarspul,
terwyl ek die kar probeer stuur met my knieë,  glip die selfoon toe weg van my oor,
val in die koffie tussen my bene, verbrand Grootseun en die Tweeling,  is die selfoon
in sy moer,  my broek papnat,  en het ek boonop 'n belangrike oproep verloor!

Blerrie vroumens-bestuurders.....................

Florida Biker & His Babe

Hey, when your kids take away your driver's license - no problem!
Submitted by Minette Behrens of Charlotte, NC

Now for a little piece of X-rated entertainment

.... Warning contains nudity......but we don't think David Copperfield ever got this right - Fresh from Montreal - you know how those Canadians are.........

The Perfect Marriage : Submitted by Derreth Werner, Charlotte, NC

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man.  "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Van der Merwe in London........Courtesy of Libby Murphy in Cape Town!

Van der Merwe goes to London to watch the Boks take on the Poms at Twickenham. Whilst in London, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything. So much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that they burst.

He gets rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.

Van goes berserk: he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.

He walks up to Van and tells him, "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou ballas uithaal."

Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."

Blonde Joke from Joburg - Courtesy of AmaBoston website!
A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000...

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66.

The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?"

The blond replies ... "Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"

And everybody thinks blonds are dumb!

From Ian Stewart in Knysna, SA

Koos Kombuis singing "F..kAll"

From Minette Behrens, Charlotte, NC
"Seen in Gauteng"


You are proudly South African when.............

  • You produce a R100 note instead of your driver's license when stopped by a traffic officer
  • You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement
  • You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car
  • You can count the national soccer team's scores with no fingers
  • To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750
  • Hijacking cars is a profession
  • You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light
  • The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car
  • More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election
  • People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given
  • "Now now" can mean anything from a minute to a month
  • You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis traveling in the opposite direction
  • Traveling at 120 km/h you're the slowest vehicle on the highway
  • You're genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it
  • A bullet train is being introduced, but we can't fix potholes
  • The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday
  • You paint your car's registration on the roof
  • You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital
  • You have to prove that you don't need a loan to get one
  • Prisoners go on strike
  • You don't stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car
  • You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once
  • Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high
  • When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad
  • The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are
  • The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished watching
  • You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather
  • You call a bathing suit a "swimming costume"
  • You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you've never had any
  • You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them
  • You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela
  • You go to "braais" (barbecues) regularly, where you eat boerewors (long meaty sausage-type thing) and swim, sometimes simultaneously
  • You know that there's nothing to do in the Free State
  • You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from SA

Submitted by Paula da Silva, Bedfordview, Johannesburg, SA

and now some new ones.......

This is a great country because:

You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting
Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid
You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it
You can experience kak service in eleven official languages
Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?
It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing and singing 
You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone
Great accent (!!!) 
If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.
Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house
You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire
The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called. The police you have to call about three times
Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins
Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high
The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported
When a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years
The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections! 
The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled  Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!

Ja nee!! Dis lekker hier!!