Funnies / Grappies op 'n stokkie
One thing our rainbow nation has in common, is the extraordinary ability to laugh at ourselves no matter what the situation. It is through laughter and humor that South Africans have managed to survive great tragedies and hardships in order to deal with the sometimes unfathomable and bizarre events that come our way. Comedy and satire is as much part of the SA social fabric as Table Mountain and Mielie Meel. Some of these jokes, you may find offensive - but nonetheless they have been submitted by South Africans from all over the world and together we can laugh, cry and share our very special SA sense of humor that only a SA'can, can understand. Hope these help to make the verlange a little easier!
Huis in Christiana, TVL - weet nie wat die dorp se naam nou is nie!!
Ad for a Sangoma's Services found in the Durban Papers!
Mike Nicker sings the blues about Eskom!
With apologies to the Plain White T's hit song "Hey There Delilah!"
If it wasn't so bittersweet, it would be brilliant!
Submitted by Craig Field, Charlotte, NC
The Ventersdorp IT Dictionary...sent in by Nick Ennis, in Stockholm Sweden.
Log On - Make the braai hotter
Log Off - The braai is too hot
Monitor - Keeping an eye on the braai
Download - Get the firewood off the bakkie
Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold beer
Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Keyboard - Where you hang the bakkie and bike keys
Window - What you shut when it's cold
Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season
Byte - What mosquitoes do
Bit - What mosquitoes did
Mega Byte - What mosquitoes at the lake do
Chip - A bar snack
Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem - What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix - Old Jan Matrix's wife
Laptop - Where the cat sleeps
Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at KFC
Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from Checkers
Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe - What holds the shed up
Web - What spiders make
Web Site - The shed or under the verandah
Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot
Search Engine - What you do when the bakkie won't go
Yahoo - What you say when the bakkie does go
Upgrade - A steep hill
Server - The person at the pub that brings out the lunch
Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the lunch
User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online - When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing up.
"Gamat" - ingestuur deur Minette Behrens, Charlotte, NC
Gamat sit op die pavement en bepeins sy lot. Hy't sy werk verloor, sy vrou het die kinders gevat en hom geskei.
Hy sien 'n kas met wynbottels en loop soentoe. Hy vat 'n lee bottel, smyt dit teen die muur en skel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n vrou hettie!"
Hy vat 'n tweede bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie kinners hettie!"
Derde bottel: "Djy issie reason lat ekkie 'n job hettie!"
Hy vat die vierde bottel en sien dis nog nie oopgemaak nie - vol wyn.
Hy sit die bottel neer en sê: "Staan djy eenkant toe, my broe. Ek sien djy wassie involved nie"
SURVIVOR CAPE TOWN....
10 ways to know you're from Charlotte
• You can take the "back way" to SouthPark from uptown (or Ballantyne).
• You know several people who have hit a deer.
• Your patio doors have been hit by a deer.
• You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
• You tell a co-worker from New York, "Stop me if I'm speaking too slow."
• You've eaten at all of these restaurants: Waffle House, Dairy Queen, Krispy Kreme and Benny's Deli.
• You change lanes without using the turn signal.
• You know which part of Buffalo your neighbors are from as soon as they open their mouths.
• Red means stop, green means go, and yellow means floor it.
• You know four seasons: Almost Humid, Humid, Still Humid and Christmas.
From the Charlotte Observer's Living Here publication
35 Reasons you haven't lived in Southern Mecklenburg until you've.....
Had a near colission in the Arboretum maze of parking lots
Seen deer jump across Rea Road near piper Glen and elsewhere in S Meck
Played with the touch screen kiosks at Ballantyne Village
Learned that the shortcut between Ballantyne and Pineville is Lancaster Highway 521
Included Calvary Church on your road tour for out of town visitors
Bought Fresh Produce at the Matthews Farmers Market
Driven across the state line in SC to buy cheap gas and liquor
Avoided Chik-fil-A on school benefit nights - even if its for your kids school!
Realized that more people in your neighborhood are from somewhere else than from NC
Wondered how much the big monuments at Ballantyne cost
Sat in Carowinds Boulevard traffic for so long your wet swimsuit dried
Waited for the geese to cross the road
Wrenched your neck to see the traffic status on the 485 from the Rae Rd bridge
Mastered the art of drag racing where Providence Rd narrows to one lane at the 485
Driven past a golf course and seen someone you know playing hooky on a workday
Enjoyed a children's story at the public library
Seen the Ballantyne Commons East fountain overflow with bubbles
Been to Matthews Alive! and Mint Hill Madness festivals
Worn your pajamas to Dunkin Donuts on a weekend morning
Had to really think which Harris Teeter is closest - because there are four within 2 miles!
Been meaning to check out downtown Waxhaw but never quite gotten there yet
Eaten a piece of pound cake from Jimmy's Sweets in Matthews
Tried Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's
Been to a Ballantyne Breakfast Club meeting
Seen the baby chicks at Renfrow's Hardware in Matthews in the Spring
Received postcard invitations to worship in churches that meet in school gym's
Had a "Flying Biscuit"
Wondered why there aren't more hotels along the 485
Veered widely to avoid walkers and cyclists on the road
Balanced your check book while in the Starbucks drive thru at either Ballantyne or Highway 51
Watched dad's with Bluetooth headsets at the ball park
Given up on seeing a movie at Stonecrest beacuse you couldn't find a parking space!
Struggled to find a post office
Got lost in the Providence Plantation neigborhood
Sat forever at the Trade and John street intersection in Matthews
From the Charlotte Observer's Neighbors of S Mecklenburg section
WHY MEN SHOULN'T TAKE MESSAGES FOR THEIR WIVES!
SIGNS FROM KAREEDOUW! JISLAAIK MAAR DIE MENSE DAAR IS WOES!
Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the webmaster.
Ernie Els Blooper! Click below.....
Ernie Els says a bad word on camera!
SA's latest design for the 2010 World Cup soccer event
Nothing quite like making do with what you have!
Want a belly laugh?
Click here to watch the funniest ads in the world! Hysterical!
Found by Di Stewart, Charlotte, NC
Submitted by Ella Rabe, Charlotte NC
Three jokes uit die Kaap……
The fruit seller walks up to the car and says:
“Peske, Peske. Lekke peskes. Net vyf rand virrie laanie."
The guy in the car says: "Is hulle soet?"
The fruit seller says: "Dja menee, kyk hoe stil sit hulle!!"
Three guys selling snoek on the corner shouts:
"Hiers djou snoek"
The guy in the car says:
"Wat vra julle vir daai snoek?"
One guy replies:
"Ons vra hulle niks. Wil djy hulle iets vra?"
Gatiep & Maraai steel 'n snoek, en sien toe 'n Polisie man
Gatiep sê: „Sit die snoek onder djou rok!“
Maraai sê: " Dit gaan stink Gatiep!"
Gatiep sê vir Maraai: " Drukkie snoek se nies toe, man!"
Many Names are changing in South Africa.......
Cities have new names, provinces changed their names and maybe even the country may change its name soon! From 01 January 2007, the following changes will be made to all Fairy Tales in South Africa as follows:
1. Snow White - Coal Black
2. Goldilocks - Dreadlocks
3. Hansel & Gretel - Sipho & Thandi
4. Jack & the Beanstalk - Zuma & The Dagga Plant
5. Liewe Heksie - Lovely Felicia
6. Red Riding Hood - Riding in the Hood
7. The Big Bad Wolf - e Tokeloshi
8. The Three Little Pigs - Goodness, Gift & Precious
9. Barbie - Modjadji
10. The Little Mermaid - The Little Maid
11. The Smurfs - The Freedom Fighters
12. Alice in Wonderland - Busi in Gauteng
13. Cinderella - Cinderfikile
14. The Emperor’s New Clothes – Mbeki goes Gucci
15. The Princess and the Pea – Manto and the African Potato
DIE STORIE VAN DIE 3 BEERTJIES
Bababeer sit in sy klein stoeltjie by die tafel, en kyk na sy klein papbordjie.
"Wie't my pappies geëet?" vra hy.
Pappabeer kyk na sy groot papbord.
"Wie de duiwel het my pap geëeet?" vra hy.
Mammabeer se kop verskyn om die kombuisdeur.
"Ek HET NOG NIE DIE PAP GEMAAK NIE WANT....
DIE KRAG IS AF!"
Best of.......Fridge Magnets
Miss Mona Lisa.......
Best Google ad....
Best T-Shirt Design....
And the Queen of Blondes......
Overheard at the SA Braai from Dean van Wyk of Charlotte, NC
while trying to explain to a NC Native what Marmite & Bovril are.......
"Bees make honey, Flies make Marmite & Bovril!"
Submitted by the 'Queen of Grappies', Minette Behrens of Charlotte, NC
Vanoggend terwyl ek op die snelweg ry, kyk ek oor my skouer en sien n vrou hier langs my
in 'n splinternuwe Polo, met haar gesig tot teenaan die tru-spieëltjie gedruk, besig om
maskara aan te sit.
ek my weer kon kry, is sy halfpad oor in my baan, nog steeds besig met haar bleddie maskara.
Nou kyk, as 'n man skrik ek nie maklik nie. Maar die vroumens het my so die horries
gegee dat ek skoon my elektriese skeermes laat val, wat op sy beurt die
steak-en-kidney pastei uit my ander hand gestamp. In die hele deurmekaarspul,
terwyl ek die kar probeer stuur met my knieë, glip die selfoon toe weg van my oor,
val in die koffie tussen my bene, verbrand Grootseun en die Tweeling, is die selfoon
in sy moer, my broek papnat, en het ek boonop 'n belangrike oproep verloor!
Florida Biker & His Babe
Hey, when your kids take away your driver's license - no problem!
Submitted by Minette Behrens of Charlotte, NC
Now for a little piece of X-rated entertainment.... Warning contains nudity......but we don't think David Copperfield ever got this right - Fresh from Montreal - you know how those Canadians are.........
The Perfect Marriage : Submitted by Derreth Werner, Charlotte, NC A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once." Van der Merwe in London........Courtesy of Libby Murphy in Cape Town! Van der Merwe goes to London to watch the Boks take on the Poms at Twickenham. Whilst in London, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything. So much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that they burst. Blonde Joke from Joburg - Courtesy of AmaBoston website! From Ian Stewart in Knysna, SA
"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time.
My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
He gets rushed to hospital where the doctors tell him they have to remove his testicles.
Van goes berserk: he bites and snarls at every one and he won't let anybody within 10 metres of him. Eventually they find a South African doctor in the hospital and get him to talk to Van.
He walks up to Van and tells him, "Hey Van, die ouens moet jou ballas uithaal."
Van replies "O, okay, ek dog die bliksems wil my test tickets vat."
A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000...
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66.
The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?"
The blond replies ... "Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"
And everybody thinks blonds are dumb!
The Perfect Marriage : Submitted by Derreth Werner, Charlotte, NC
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
Van der Merwe in London........Courtesy of Libby Murphy in Cape Town!
Van der Merwe goes to London to watch the Boks take on the Poms at Twickenham. Whilst in London, he walks around, gaping and staring at everything. So much so that he walks smack bang into a fire hydrant which hits him so hard on the family jewels that they burst.
Blonde Joke from Joburg - Courtesy of AmaBoston website!
From Ian Stewart in Knysna, SA
From Minette Behrens, Charlotte, NC
"Seen in Gauteng"
Submitted by Paula da Silva, Bedfordview, Johannesburg, SA and now some new ones....... This is a great country because: You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting Ja nee!! Dis lekker hier!!
You are proudly South African when.............
Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid
You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance company even pays for it
You can experience kak service in eleven official languages
Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?
It's the only country in the world where striking workers show how angry they are by dancing and singing
You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone (without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone
Great accent (!!!)
If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.
Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for your house
You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire
The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called. The police you have to call about three times
Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins
Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high
The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported
When a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV viewer 2 years
The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!
Submitted by Paula da Silva, Bedfordview, Johannesburg, SA
and now some new ones.......
This is a great country because:
You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting
Ja nee!! Dis lekker hier!!